Last weekend, we went to a jazz concert in the city. Tim’s friend had rallied together six couples to see a show on the first Saturday of 2019. Wayne Shorter was scheduled to perform but was ill and in his stead, his musical family came to play a tribute to his music. I wasn’t familiar with Shorter; the jazz I knew was the jazz my ex introduced me to and the jazz my husband played growing up- classics like Miles Davis, John Coltrane, and Count Basie. Shorter’s music turned out to be experimental and more modern than what I was used to, but still I loved it. Live jazz is one of those things that makes me feel alive. As I was leaning forward to see what the pianist was doing, it dawned on me that I wanted to do life like a jazz musician.
Lately, I’ve been facing the dreary fact that I am stuck and have been stuck for a long time. I still remember writing pages in my journal as an adolescent about how the real me felt trapped inside, as if something was holding me back from who I was destined to be. Years later as a 40 year old mom, I still feel that way. Everything I do is mediocre because I do just enough to get by and satisfy for that moment. It’s how I see myself- a mediocre person who’s lived 40 years of quietly living under the radar. But deep down in my gut, I know I’m more than what I’ve seen of myself, yet I have never had the courage to tap into it, draw it out, and set it free.
As I watched the musicians play, I was struck by their attitude. There was a strong sense of camaraderie and support- cheering each other on as they improvised, harmonizing, never playing over one another, and patiently taking turns. They were in the moment, having fun, and so relaxed walking around on stage, laughing, and jesting with a closeness that comes from having played together. They took risks and put it all out there as they performed, trying new things yet honoring the music written for them.
I decided right then and there that I wanted to do life like a jazz musician. I want to excel, to practice and word hard at life, to take risks and try new ways, to support and cheer my family and friends on, and to have fun knowing that I am doing my best and doing what I love.
This is the first entry of my new blog. My old one expired, and I felt that a new one needed to be built from the bottom up. I want to take my writing and art more seriously because I have realized that these are what carry me into a zone where I feel the most at home. So welcome to my home- to my heart that beats a sometimes ordinary and sometimes not so ordinary tune.
mijin kang 